Fight, flight, freeze, fawn

I have often heard of the fight, flight, freeze response when faced with perceived threat. During my recovery journey I have now also learned that there is another trauma response called “fawn”.

My understanding is that these trauma responses are quite literal:

Fight - when we retaliate, attempt to regain control and perhaps feel anger and aggression towards the perceived threat.

Flight - when we avoid, deflect, hide, or withdraw. Essentially anything we can do to get away from the situation.

Freeze - when we dissociate, shut down, feel numb or stuck and unable to fight or flight against the threat.

Fawn - when we people please and have difficulties saying “no” or set boundaries. In an attempt to avoid harm or conflict, we try to appease our perceived threat.

It is possible to have multiple responses when faced with danger. It’s not always just one or the other.

Please note that the following content may be quite triggering as I will be discussing my own response to the trauma I experienced. If you or someone you know is in crisis, please reach out for help.

• Distress Centres of Greater Toronto: 416-408-4357

• Gerstein Distress Line (24/7): 416-929-5200

The reason why learning about this 4th response, fawn, was so important to me is because I have been having a hard time reconciling with my behaviour when I lived in an environment where I was constantly under threat. Now that I am away from the situation I keep asking myself, why didn’t I speak up? Why didn’t I fight back? Why didn’t I protect myself? Why was I so concerned with my aggressor’s happiness that I went out of my way to make this person happy? If I’m being completely honest, I looked to my abuser for approval and acceptance.

Having learned what I know now about fawn as being a trauma response, I am starting to see that my behaviour was my way of protecting myself from further harm. My mind was telling me that if I could just keep the threat happy, and convince them that I am on their side, perhaps they won’t hurt me anymore. Being stuck in a situation where fight, flight or freeze really didn’t work for me, this was my brain’s final way of trying to protect me. My instinct to soothe my aggressor was not consent for further abuse, rather it was my way of minimizing the frequency and severity of further damage.

My need for my aggressor’s approval was not because I wanted to be in this situation. I am beginning to recognize that it was because I was conditioned to associate disappointment and anger as danger, so approval is what I must strive for if I don’t want to get hurt. While I continue down my recovery journey I am working on recognizing my strength for having survived, instead of feeling shame and blaming myself for what happened. It is the aggressor’s choice to harm others. This time I have the luxury of choice too, and I choose not to let this haunt my future. The brain is a funny thing. Although I am determined not to let this define me, I still have to put in the work required to function in a healthy way going forward.

Similar to how kind and patient we are with our loved ones, please be kind to yourself. Intrusive thoughts are not real, and we can try and replace them with healthier ones.

I hope that by sharing my experience and this new information that I learned, it will bring some comfort to anyone feeling guilty about the choices they made while in a hostile situation. There is help out there and there is a way out. I am sending strength to anyone out there who needs it. You are a warrior and you are not alone.

Set Mindset vs Growth Mindset

I have been practicing my growth mindset to help with my coping and help me be more resilient when faced with challenges.

In a world that is constantly changing and evolving, having a growth mindset allows me to be more flexible and forgiving when things don’t go as planned. It’s been so instilled in me that if something doesn’t work out, it’s because I’m a screw up and somehow messed everything up. But there are things that are simply out of our control.

Set mindsets are absolute, viewed as unchangeable. Whereas, growth mindset is accepting that change is possible and new skills can be developed.

Below are some helpful growth mindset phrases to replace the set mindset thoughts with:

I try to be conscious of my automatic thoughts, to recognize the intrusive thoughts so that I can challenge them and shift them to thoughts from the growth mindset.

Seeing setbacks as complete failures (set mindset) almost always lead me spiraling to a dark place. But I have been choosing to see setbacks and challenges as opportunities for growth. They give me a chance to pivot, and I try to see them as potential for improvement (growth mindset).

I often struggle with intrusive thoughts so one reminder that I say to myself very often is: a thought is just a thought, and a thought can be changed. I try to fact check my own thoughts and ask myself if these thoughts are helpful. I then work on changing the thought to something more constructive, or I let the thought go if it’s not true or helpful to me. When I’m in my growth mindset, it allows me to cultivate more healthy perspectives, especially when faced with the curve balls from life.

Please be kind to yourself and don’t give up. Don’t be afraid to reach out and lean on your support system. There are many resources online, health care professionals, and groups available to help. Take it one day at a time, you are a warrior for fighting through this and it will get better. There is strength in reaching out for help. I hope my recovery journey helps provide some coping tools and let you know that you are not alone. We got this!

Asking for help

As a self sufficient individual, I find it difficult to ask for help. I always thought that asking for help is admitting I’m weak, or that I am not a capable person. I have been learning that this is not the case. In fact, it takes a lot of strength to recognize that you need help, and to ask for it.

Suffering from invisible mental health struggles makes it very hard for me to understand it and explain what’s going on in my head. I feel alone and that no one will understand or be able to help me, so I just suffered in silence. Since I am known as a bubbly and outgoing person, I was afraid if I show a side of me that isn’t happy all the time, that people will not want to be around me anymore. It is almost like my personality became my identity so I can’t express emotions that’s not in line with this personality I am known for.

When I finally reached my breaking point where I lost control and couldn’t continue on with this facade anymore, I realized that I needed help and support outside of my medical team. I needed at least one person to lean on and to stop self isolating. I learned the hard way (several times) that I don’t have to wait until things get critical to ask for help. It’s scary to be vulnerable and admit that I need help, but that’s really the only way I can heal and move forward.

Consider opening up to a loved one that you feel safe with. You are in control, you can choose exactly how much to share. A lot of times when we are suffering, our minds tend to catastrophize. One of the exercises I have been practicing is to see these scenarios through. What is the worst thing that can happen? My therapist often asks me “and then what?” when I list off my fears. We go through the potential outcomes and the likelihood of these situations actually happening. This exercise shows me that even in my worst case scenario, things are never as bad as I imagine they may be (when I’m not being stubborn). Thanks to my therapist I now practice this “and then what?” coping skill to ground myself.

I have hid my mental health struggles and the severity of my conditions by isolating myself, but this isn’t the way. I recently had a relapse and I feel like I had to start from scratch again with my recovery process. But this time, I am not doing it alone. I learned to ask for help, not only from the medical professionals, but people in my personal life. Turns out, my most trusted people were actually happy that I opened up to them and gave them the chance to help. I do still struggle with intrusive thoughts like I am a burden to everyone. I just remind myself that if the situation was reversed, I would want to be there for my loved ones. I am still working on being patient and kind to myself. Trying to treat myself the way I would to a loved one who is struggling. I’m definitely still a work in progress.

Please be kind to yourself and don’t give up. This healing process is not linear but we have to keep fighting. Every day I am fighting through this feeling that I will never get better and it is too exhausting. I try to focus on what I can control and use my positive affirmations like “I am doing my best and that is enough”. There are many resources online, health care professionals, and groups available to help. Take it one day at a time, you are a warrior for fighting through this and it will get better. There is strength in reaching out for help. I hope my recovery journey helps provide some coping tools and let you know that you are not alone. We got this!

Where we put our attention

It’s been pointed out to me that I’m guilty of discounting the positive and focusing on the negative. Just one of the many thought distortions I’m guilty of.

I’ve been trying to break that bond by changing where I put my attention. When it comes to rewiring the brain, it is a lot easier said than done. I’ve heard a lot of “just be happy”, “don’t be sad”, “just don’t think about it” but unfortunately my trauma, depression and anxiety won’t just magically go away. It’s frustrating to not have control over my intrusive thoughts. It takes conscious effort to challenge these thoughts and it can be exhausting.

My coping strategies

I find the following coping skills and self care practices have really helped me in this particular situation. I have been using the Calm App to help train and rewire my brain so I can change where I put my attention.

Before bed I complete the following “check-ins”:

• What are you grateful for? This doesn’t have to be a long list, 1-3 things is sufficient so it doesn’t get too overwhelming. Some gratitude prompts could be:

  • What are you grateful for today?

  • What about today has been better than yesterday?

  • What’s something you’re looking forward to in the future?

  • What inspired you today?

  • What relationships are you thankful for today?

• Daily reflection - some reflection prompts can be:

  • Which difficult emotion can you take some time to sit with today?

  • Do you limit yourself by caring about what others think of you?

  • Describe a time when you felt peaceful

  • Where in life do you want to develop more equanimity? Why?

  • What habits do you want to make or break?

There are many other gratitude and daily reflection prompts that can be found through our friend, Google, to help start this routine. I find it helps to have these questions to make me think and change my focus.

It’s not easy to re-wire the brain and I have been struggling with my mental health for a long time now and I find it really difficult at times to even think of one thing I’m grateful for. One of the many symptoms of my diagnosis is catastrophizing, meaning I always go to the worst case scenario. I also have a tendency to discount the positive and only focus on the negatives.

By “checking-in” I can challenge these negative intrusive thoughts. I will instead remember all the positive things in my life and all the things I should be grateful for. Depending on where we put our attention, we could be prolonging our suffering. I know it’s easier said than done, I am still working on this too. When I ruminate about my trauma or worry about things that are out of my control, it leads to more anxiety and panic attacks. This daily reflection and gratitude practice helps change where I put my attention and focus on the good.

Like all coping tools, this too will take practice and time. As I have been reminded time and time again, practicing these coping strategies is similar to working out in the gym. The more we do it, the stronger we will get.

I have experienced first hand that this healing process is not linear, there will still be dark periods and back sliding at times. Please be kind to yourself during those moments and don’t give up. There are many resources online, health care professionals, and groups available to help. Take it one day at a time, you are a warrior for fighting though this and it will get better. I hope my recovery journey helps provide some coping tools and let you know that you are not alone. There is strength in reaching out for help.