Fight, flight, freeze, fawn

I have often heard of the fight, flight, freeze response when faced with perceived threat. During my recovery journey I have now also learned that there is another trauma response called “fawn”.

My understanding is that these trauma responses are quite literal:

Fight - when we retaliate, attempt to regain control and perhaps feel anger and aggression towards the perceived threat.

Flight - when we avoid, deflect, hide, or withdraw. Essentially anything we can do to get away from the situation.

Freeze - when we dissociate, shut down, feel numb or stuck and unable to fight or flight against the threat.

Fawn - when we people please and have difficulties saying “no” or set boundaries. In an attempt to avoid harm or conflict, we try to appease our perceived threat.

It is possible to have multiple responses when faced with danger. It’s not always just one or the other.

Please note that the following content may be quite triggering as I will be discussing my own response to the trauma I experienced. If you or someone you know is in crisis, please reach out for help.

• Distress Centres of Greater Toronto: 416-408-4357

• Gerstein Distress Line (24/7): 416-929-5200

The reason why learning about this 4th response, fawn, was so important to me is because I have been having a hard time reconciling with my behaviour when I lived in an environment where I was constantly under threat. Now that I am away from the situation I keep asking myself, why didn’t I speak up? Why didn’t I fight back? Why didn’t I protect myself? Why was I so concerned with my aggressor’s happiness that I went out of my way to make this person happy? If I’m being completely honest, I looked to my abuser for approval and acceptance.

Having learned what I know now about fawn as being a trauma response, I am starting to see that my behaviour was my way of protecting myself from further harm. My mind was telling me that if I could just keep the threat happy, and convince them that I am on their side, perhaps they won’t hurt me anymore. Being stuck in a situation where fight, flight or freeze really didn’t work for me, this was my brain’s final way of trying to protect me. My instinct to soothe my aggressor was not consent for further abuse, rather it was my way of minimizing the frequency and severity of further damage.

My need for my aggressor’s approval was not because I wanted to be in this situation. I am beginning to recognize that it was because I was conditioned to associate disappointment and anger as danger, so approval is what I must strive for if I don’t want to get hurt. While I continue down my recovery journey I am working on recognizing my strength for having survived, instead of feeling shame and blaming myself for what happened. It is the aggressor’s choice to harm others. This time I have the luxury of choice too, and I choose not to let this haunt my future. The brain is a funny thing. Although I am determined not to let this define me, I still have to put in the work required to function in a healthy way going forward.

Similar to how kind and patient we are with our loved ones, please be kind to yourself. Intrusive thoughts are not real, and we can try and replace them with healthier ones.

I hope that by sharing my experience and this new information that I learned, it will bring some comfort to anyone feeling guilty about the choices they made while in a hostile situation. There is help out there and there is a way out. I am sending strength to anyone out there who needs it. You are a warrior and you are not alone.

Asking for help

As a self sufficient individual, I find it difficult to ask for help. I always thought that asking for help is admitting I’m weak, or that I am not a capable person. I have been learning that this is not the case. In fact, it takes a lot of strength to recognize that you need help, and to ask for it.

Suffering from invisible mental health struggles makes it very hard for me to understand it and explain what’s going on in my head. I feel alone and that no one will understand or be able to help me, so I just suffered in silence. Since I am known as a bubbly and outgoing person, I was afraid if I show a side of me that isn’t happy all the time, that people will not want to be around me anymore. It is almost like my personality became my identity so I can’t express emotions that’s not in line with this personality I am known for.

When I finally reached my breaking point where I lost control and couldn’t continue on with this facade anymore, I realized that I needed help and support outside of my medical team. I needed at least one person to lean on and to stop self isolating. I learned the hard way (several times) that I don’t have to wait until things get critical to ask for help. It’s scary to be vulnerable and admit that I need help, but that’s really the only way I can heal and move forward.

Consider opening up to a loved one that you feel safe with. You are in control, you can choose exactly how much to share. A lot of times when we are suffering, our minds tend to catastrophize. One of the exercises I have been practicing is to see these scenarios through. What is the worst thing that can happen? My therapist often asks me “and then what?” when I list off my fears. We go through the potential outcomes and the likelihood of these situations actually happening. This exercise shows me that even in my worst case scenario, things are never as bad as I imagine they may be (when I’m not being stubborn). Thanks to my therapist I now practice this “and then what?” coping skill to ground myself.

I have hid my mental health struggles and the severity of my conditions by isolating myself, but this isn’t the way. I recently had a relapse and I feel like I had to start from scratch again with my recovery process. But this time, I am not doing it alone. I learned to ask for help, not only from the medical professionals, but people in my personal life. Turns out, my most trusted people were actually happy that I opened up to them and gave them the chance to help. I do still struggle with intrusive thoughts like I am a burden to everyone. I just remind myself that if the situation was reversed, I would want to be there for my loved ones. I am still working on being patient and kind to myself. Trying to treat myself the way I would to a loved one who is struggling. I’m definitely still a work in progress.

Please be kind to yourself and don’t give up. This healing process is not linear but we have to keep fighting. Every day I am fighting through this feeling that I will never get better and it is too exhausting. I try to focus on what I can control and use my positive affirmations like “I am doing my best and that is enough”. There are many resources online, health care professionals, and groups available to help. Take it one day at a time, you are a warrior for fighting through this and it will get better. There is strength in reaching out for help. I hope my recovery journey helps provide some coping tools and let you know that you are not alone. We got this!