Fight, flight, freeze, fawn

I have often heard of the fight, flight, freeze response when faced with perceived threat. During my recovery journey I have now also learned that there is another trauma response called “fawn”.

My understanding is that these trauma responses are quite literal:

Fight - when we retaliate, attempt to regain control and perhaps feel anger and aggression towards the perceived threat.

Flight - when we avoid, deflect, hide, or withdraw. Essentially anything we can do to get away from the situation.

Freeze - when we dissociate, shut down, feel numb or stuck and unable to fight or flight against the threat.

Fawn - when we people please and have difficulties saying “no” or set boundaries. In an attempt to avoid harm or conflict, we try to appease our perceived threat.

It is possible to have multiple responses when faced with danger. It’s not always just one or the other.

Please note that the following content may be quite triggering as I will be discussing my own response to the trauma I experienced. If you or someone you know is in crisis, please reach out for help.

• Distress Centres of Greater Toronto: 416-408-4357

• Gerstein Distress Line (24/7): 416-929-5200

The reason why learning about this 4th response, fawn, was so important to me is because I have been having a hard time reconciling with my behaviour when I lived in an environment where I was constantly under threat. Now that I am away from the situation I keep asking myself, why didn’t I speak up? Why didn’t I fight back? Why didn’t I protect myself? Why was I so concerned with my aggressor’s happiness that I went out of my way to make this person happy? If I’m being completely honest, I looked to my abuser for approval and acceptance.

Having learned what I know now about fawn as being a trauma response, I am starting to see that my behaviour was my way of protecting myself from further harm. My mind was telling me that if I could just keep the threat happy, and convince them that I am on their side, perhaps they won’t hurt me anymore. Being stuck in a situation where fight, flight or freeze really didn’t work for me, this was my brain’s final way of trying to protect me. My instinct to soothe my aggressor was not consent for further abuse, rather it was my way of minimizing the frequency and severity of further damage.

My need for my aggressor’s approval was not because I wanted to be in this situation. I am beginning to recognize that it was because I was conditioned to associate disappointment and anger as danger, so approval is what I must strive for if I don’t want to get hurt. While I continue down my recovery journey I am working on recognizing my strength for having survived, instead of feeling shame and blaming myself for what happened. It is the aggressor’s choice to harm others. This time I have the luxury of choice too, and I choose not to let this haunt my future. The brain is a funny thing. Although I am determined not to let this define me, I still have to put in the work required to function in a healthy way going forward.

Similar to how kind and patient we are with our loved ones, please be kind to yourself. Intrusive thoughts are not real, and we can try and replace them with healthier ones.

I hope that by sharing my experience and this new information that I learned, it will bring some comfort to anyone feeling guilty about the choices they made while in a hostile situation. There is help out there and there is a way out. I am sending strength to anyone out there who needs it. You are a warrior and you are not alone.

Set Mindset vs Growth Mindset

I have been practicing my growth mindset to help with my coping and help me be more resilient when faced with challenges.

In a world that is constantly changing and evolving, having a growth mindset allows me to be more flexible and forgiving when things don’t go as planned. It’s been so instilled in me that if something doesn’t work out, it’s because I’m a screw up and somehow messed everything up. But there are things that are simply out of our control.

Set mindsets are absolute, viewed as unchangeable. Whereas, growth mindset is accepting that change is possible and new skills can be developed.

Below are some helpful growth mindset phrases to replace the set mindset thoughts with:

I try to be conscious of my automatic thoughts, to recognize the intrusive thoughts so that I can challenge them and shift them to thoughts from the growth mindset.

Seeing setbacks as complete failures (set mindset) almost always lead me spiraling to a dark place. But I have been choosing to see setbacks and challenges as opportunities for growth. They give me a chance to pivot, and I try to see them as potential for improvement (growth mindset).

I often struggle with intrusive thoughts so one reminder that I say to myself very often is: a thought is just a thought, and a thought can be changed. I try to fact check my own thoughts and ask myself if these thoughts are helpful. I then work on changing the thought to something more constructive, or I let the thought go if it’s not true or helpful to me. When I’m in my growth mindset, it allows me to cultivate more healthy perspectives, especially when faced with the curve balls from life.

Please be kind to yourself and don’t give up. Don’t be afraid to reach out and lean on your support system. There are many resources online, health care professionals, and groups available to help. Take it one day at a time, you are a warrior for fighting through this and it will get better. There is strength in reaching out for help. I hope my recovery journey helps provide some coping tools and let you know that you are not alone. We got this!

Asking for help

As a self sufficient individual, I find it difficult to ask for help. I always thought that asking for help is admitting I’m weak, or that I am not a capable person. I have been learning that this is not the case. In fact, it takes a lot of strength to recognize that you need help, and to ask for it.

Suffering from invisible mental health struggles makes it very hard for me to understand it and explain what’s going on in my head. I feel alone and that no one will understand or be able to help me, so I just suffered in silence. Since I am known as a bubbly and outgoing person, I was afraid if I show a side of me that isn’t happy all the time, that people will not want to be around me anymore. It is almost like my personality became my identity so I can’t express emotions that’s not in line with this personality I am known for.

When I finally reached my breaking point where I lost control and couldn’t continue on with this facade anymore, I realized that I needed help and support outside of my medical team. I needed at least one person to lean on and to stop self isolating. I learned the hard way (several times) that I don’t have to wait until things get critical to ask for help. It’s scary to be vulnerable and admit that I need help, but that’s really the only way I can heal and move forward.

Consider opening up to a loved one that you feel safe with. You are in control, you can choose exactly how much to share. A lot of times when we are suffering, our minds tend to catastrophize. One of the exercises I have been practicing is to see these scenarios through. What is the worst thing that can happen? My therapist often asks me “and then what?” when I list off my fears. We go through the potential outcomes and the likelihood of these situations actually happening. This exercise shows me that even in my worst case scenario, things are never as bad as I imagine they may be (when I’m not being stubborn). Thanks to my therapist I now practice this “and then what?” coping skill to ground myself.

I have hid my mental health struggles and the severity of my conditions by isolating myself, but this isn’t the way. I recently had a relapse and I feel like I had to start from scratch again with my recovery process. But this time, I am not doing it alone. I learned to ask for help, not only from the medical professionals, but people in my personal life. Turns out, my most trusted people were actually happy that I opened up to them and gave them the chance to help. I do still struggle with intrusive thoughts like I am a burden to everyone. I just remind myself that if the situation was reversed, I would want to be there for my loved ones. I am still working on being patient and kind to myself. Trying to treat myself the way I would to a loved one who is struggling. I’m definitely still a work in progress.

Please be kind to yourself and don’t give up. This healing process is not linear but we have to keep fighting. Every day I am fighting through this feeling that I will never get better and it is too exhausting. I try to focus on what I can control and use my positive affirmations like “I am doing my best and that is enough”. There are many resources online, health care professionals, and groups available to help. Take it one day at a time, you are a warrior for fighting through this and it will get better. There is strength in reaching out for help. I hope my recovery journey helps provide some coping tools and let you know that you are not alone. We got this!

Where we put our attention

It’s been pointed out to me that I’m guilty of discounting the positive and focusing on the negative. Just one of the many thought distortions I’m guilty of.

I’ve been trying to break that bond by changing where I put my attention. When it comes to rewiring the brain, it is a lot easier said than done. I’ve heard a lot of “just be happy”, “don’t be sad”, “just don’t think about it” but unfortunately my trauma, depression and anxiety won’t just magically go away. It’s frustrating to not have control over my intrusive thoughts. It takes conscious effort to challenge these thoughts and it can be exhausting.

My coping strategies

I find the following coping skills and self care practices have really helped me in this particular situation. I have been using the Calm App to help train and rewire my brain so I can change where I put my attention.

Before bed I complete the following “check-ins”:

• What are you grateful for? This doesn’t have to be a long list, 1-3 things is sufficient so it doesn’t get too overwhelming. Some gratitude prompts could be:

  • What are you grateful for today?

  • What about today has been better than yesterday?

  • What’s something you’re looking forward to in the future?

  • What inspired you today?

  • What relationships are you thankful for today?

• Daily reflection - some reflection prompts can be:

  • Which difficult emotion can you take some time to sit with today?

  • Do you limit yourself by caring about what others think of you?

  • Describe a time when you felt peaceful

  • Where in life do you want to develop more equanimity? Why?

  • What habits do you want to make or break?

There are many other gratitude and daily reflection prompts that can be found through our friend, Google, to help start this routine. I find it helps to have these questions to make me think and change my focus.

It’s not easy to re-wire the brain and I have been struggling with my mental health for a long time now and I find it really difficult at times to even think of one thing I’m grateful for. One of the many symptoms of my diagnosis is catastrophizing, meaning I always go to the worst case scenario. I also have a tendency to discount the positive and only focus on the negatives.

By “checking-in” I can challenge these negative intrusive thoughts. I will instead remember all the positive things in my life and all the things I should be grateful for. Depending on where we put our attention, we could be prolonging our suffering. I know it’s easier said than done, I am still working on this too. When I ruminate about my trauma or worry about things that are out of my control, it leads to more anxiety and panic attacks. This daily reflection and gratitude practice helps change where I put my attention and focus on the good.

Like all coping tools, this too will take practice and time. As I have been reminded time and time again, practicing these coping strategies is similar to working out in the gym. The more we do it, the stronger we will get.

I have experienced first hand that this healing process is not linear, there will still be dark periods and back sliding at times. Please be kind to yourself during those moments and don’t give up. There are many resources online, health care professionals, and groups available to help. Take it one day at a time, you are a warrior for fighting though this and it will get better. I hope my recovery journey helps provide some coping tools and let you know that you are not alone. There is strength in reaching out for help.

Daily Affirmations

As I continue on my journey to improve my mental health, I am finding it extremely difficult to practice some of the exercises, and to utilize the tools I have learned that will allow me to function in a healthier way.

There are so many amazing tools out there. They take time, practice and sometimes, a little extra help from health care professionals to walk us through it. If you are struggling, please reach out to health care professionals. It shows real strength to ask for help!

I am realizing that the recovery process isn’t linear. With progress, there may also be some set backs. But that’s okay! Take baby steps and give yourself credit where credit is due. Even just recognizing that you need help is a huge milestone and worth celebrating.

Daily affirmation is something that I found to be extremely helpful. It is a concept that is easy enough for me to practice on my own without feeling too overwhelmed.

How did practicing daily affirmations improve my mental health? I find that it’s helped me cope in stressful situations. I am able to challenge intrusive thoughts by repeating daily affirmations that are applicable in the situation I find myself in. Now that I know I have the ability to calm myself down when I get triggered, I feel more confident in myself to cope with difficult situations in a healthier way.

Below is how I started incorporating daily affirmations to my routine. It is something that I swear by now and I do it every morning without even thinking about it anymore.

1. Routine - every morning before I start my day, I practice daily affirmation by reading a positive mantra (I included the link below of where I get them from). Try to be consistent and do not skip any days. Consistency is key.

2. Repeat and practice - I repeat the mantra to myself several times. I remind myself of the affirmation throughout the day when I notice myself being overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts.

3. Buddy system - ask a trusted friend, a family member or your significant other for help. Similar to having a workout buddy, we can hold each other accountable, and share our positive mantras of the day with each other. It’s a great way to stay connected as well.

4. Patience - be patient with yourself. Similar to working out, you won’t notice an immediate difference after one session at the gym. It will take time to train your brain.

There are mantras that I feel are more specific to myself and my trauma. I memorized them to remind myself whenever the intrusive thoughts start creeping in.

• I am not broken, I can be healed.

• I am safe, everything is okay.

• I am stronger than my depression.

• I am doing the best I can, and that is enough.

• This feeling will pass. It won’t last forever.

You too will find positive mantras that are more specific to your situation that resonates with you. I recommend keeping those at your finger tips so you can refer to them depending on the specific challenges you are facing at the time.

There are lots of free resources online that can be found through googling. I personally found it helpful to have a physical routine and to be able to see my positive affirmations every day.

If you’re a more visual person like me, you may also like to check out the “Thoughtfulls pop-open cards” at: https://www.live-inspired.com or on Amazon. I love the cute pop-open cards series. I save the ones I resonate with the most on my fridge and in my office so I can easily refer to them when I need a reminder. They can also be used as cute little bookmarks!

Another great resource is the “I Am” app you can download on your phone. I love the affirmations on this app. This app allows you to set reminders to have the affirmations pop up at various times. You can also customize widgets to your Home Screen so you can see these affirmations every time you access your Home Screen. I also love that I can save the affirmations that resonates with me the most so I can go back and read them whenever I need a reminder.

I hope that my recovery journey gives you hope. There are so many resources out there that can help strengthen our mental health. Similar to working out to improve our body physically, we also need to put in the work to improve our mental health. You may not notice a difference right away, but over time it really does get better! Remember to be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is so powerful. I feel that this is almost like the “gateway” concept to so many other coping strategies and tools. I see mindfulness as a foundation to meditating.

What is mindfulness? This was the big question that was asked at the beginning of my very first group session. Here are some of the answers:

• being in the present moment. This takes practice since our minds tend to drift between the present, to the past, to the future.

• being aware of our feelings and surroundings

After many mindfulness sessions, I have memorized the definition: “mindfulness is intentionally being in the present moment without judgement and attachment”

An example of being in the present could be focusing on your breathing, taking 5 deep breaths and notice how your body feels as you do this. It could even be focusing on the texture of the soap on your fingers and the smell of the soap when you’re washing your hands. There are also some great (free) apps that can walk you through some exercises. I find it easier to have a guide when you’re just starting out. I will include some of my favorite apps at the bottom of this article.

Mindfulness is so much more than just being aware and living in the present moment. It is also:

• being open and letting go of any automatic judgments we may have associated to our experiences or feelings.

  • this will allow us to experience the moment as is

  • this will reduce triggers to emotional events

• experience each moment without attachment. Being able to let go of the past will truly allow us to be in the moment.

  • this will reduce our suffering (ruminating about negative thoughts or emotions)

I was initially intimidated by the concept of mindfulness because I’m not in tune with my emotions, and I have a hard time keeping my thoughts in check. But it’s been pointed out to me that even just the acknowledgment of this feeling is practicing mindfulness. So even if it’s something like noticing how your body is responding to a stressful situation, or recognizing the emotions you are feeling at the moment is a part of mindfulness. This definitely gave me the confidence that I can learn to practice mindfulness.

There’s such interesting science behind it too. Practicing mindfulness will eventually allow us to analyze the situation and respond in a healthier way, rather than acting on our brain’s automatic response (which may not always be a balanced reaction and may get us in more trouble).

The science I’m referring to is how our brain responds to stress.

• Amygdala - this is activated to protect us. When we detect fear or danger, the amygdala is triggered to enable us to react (flight, flight, or freeze mode)

• Prefrontal Cortex - this is the problem solving part of our brain. It helps us analyze the situation in order to make decisions, among other functions (our brain is seriously powerful)

The problem is, our prefrontal cortex can struggle when we are faced with traumatic situations. Once the amygdala is activated, it shuts down the connection to our prefrontal cortex. Practicing mindfulness will train our brain to reduce the high amygdala activity so we can use the prefrontal cortex more. We will then be able to go from the emotional fight or flight reactions, to respond in a more balanced way after analyzing a situation more calmly.

Like most skill sets, mindfulness takes time and practice. Please remember to be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time.

Below are some helpful apps that are free to use (you may have to pay if you wish to use additional functions on the app but they are super helpful even without having to pay for a subscription):

• Mindshift

• Calm

• Headspace

Wise Mind

We all have an emotional mind, a rational mind, and a wise mind. But what are they? And why should we practice Wise Mind?

When we are in the “emotional mind” this is when we are ruled by our moods and feelings. Often when we are in this state of mind, facts, logic and reasons are not important. We are simply reacting based on our emotions. Usually this happens when emotions are running high. For example, when I saw that the new iPhone came out (yay!) I got so excited that I immediately added it to my shopping cart. Credit card bills be damned.

When we are in the “rational mind” this is when we are ruled by facts, logic and reason. Feelings and emotions are not important when we are in this state of mind. Using that same iPhone example above, if I was in the rational mind, I would recognize the fact that I am not a baller, I already have the latest iPhone in perfect condition, and that I simply do not need to buy a new iPhone.

The “wise mind” is the happy middle ground between the emotional mind and the rational mind, taking into account both your urges/feelings AND the facts/logic. Again, using my same iPhone example, if I was in the wise mind, I would acknowledge my financial situation, even though I am super excited about the new iPhone with the fancy cinematic camera function. Instead of rushing to buy the iPhone right away, I would look into trading in my last phone to help with the costs, and perhaps put aside some money over the next few pay cheques before making such a large purchase.

If each of these minds were represented as fictional characters:

• The Emotional Mind: Homer from the Simpsons, or Kelly from The Office

• The Rational Mind: Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, or Spock from Star Trek

• The Wise Mind: Yoda from Star Wars

Both the emotional mind and the rational mind are important in our decision making process, but it can be detrimental if we only operate in one or the other. By finding that balance between the two, we can acknowledge our feelings while honoring the facts and reasoning.

As someone who is suffering from depression, anxiety and PTSD, it is difficult for me to operate outside of my emotional mind. I am easily triggered and driven by the overwhelming emotions and intrusive thoughts. Below are a few tips that I find helpful to get me from the emotional mind to the wise mind.

• Distraction - this will allow myself to get some distance so that my emotions aren’t running as high and I don’t do anything I will regret later. The distractions can be any activity that takes you away from that immediate thought or situation. It could be watching an eppy on Netflix, going for a walk, texting a friend etc.

• Repeating a positive affirmation that will help ground you. I have a few that I would repeat to myself such as, “you are safe”, “this feeling will pass” etc.

• Opposite emotion/action - doing the opposite of what I’m feeling. For example, I know that when I’m angry I may want to say something hurtful, so instead I will take a sip of water or walk away from the situation. Or when my depression takes over and I can’t get out of bed, I will force myself to get up for a snack just to get my body moving. I do find this one quite difficult, but when I am able to achieve this, I am usually proud of myself later when I reflect on what happened.

It takes practice to be in the wise mind, especially since our emotions can be so overwhelming sometimes. Please remember to be kind to yourself, and take it one day at a time. Being compassionate with yourself can go a long way when working on your mental health.

What is self care?

As someone who is extremely career oriented with a very goal driven personality, the concept of “self care” was foreign to me up until recently. My mental health took a very negative turn this past year due to an ongoing situation in my life.

Everything was put into question, including my self worth. My doctors urged me to practice self care and to be kind to myself while I am on this journey of finding a path forward. Not just back to the way things were, but rather a path to a more healthy way of living.

But what is self care? I spent a better part of my life trying to get validation from family, peers, colleagues and authority figures. This involves constantly trying to predict what will please the people in my life and going out of my way to do it. So now that the table is turned, what exactly do I need to make myself happy?

As it turns out, self care can be quite simple and easy to practice! The key word here is “practice”. It takes time, and involves making the conscious decision of making yourself a priority. The definition is in the term itself. It’s all about taking care of yourself (physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually).

Some quick self care steps that you can start today:

1. Physical (sleep, exercise, healthy food choices) - exercise doesn’t have to be scary. It could be as simple as going for a 10 minute walk. Taking care of your body physically doesn’t have to feel like a chore. Try taking a bubble bath at the end of a long week, putting on a relaxing eye mask to rest your eyes, going to bed early so you wake up feeling rested and ready to start a new day, or enjoying a nice breakfast in the morning to set the tone on how you start your day (it doesn’t have to be a big feast, a nice yogurt parfait is yummy and a healthy treat first thing in the morning).
   

2. Emotional - allow yourself to feel your feelings without guilt and judgement. Don’t beat yourself up for having “negative” feelings. Feelings are what they are, they’re not right or wrong. Maybe you’re feeling sad or angry about a situation, that’s okay. Acknowledge the feeling, and let it pass. Be kind to yourself. My therapist always challenges my negative thoughts by asking me, “what would you say to your best friend if they’re the ones in your shoes”. I’m always more compassionate towards others but so hard on myself. But by asking myself this question “would I say this to my friend?” It really helps me get some perspective.
   

3. Social - I find this one to be so challenging because of my people pleasing tendencies. It’s okay to say “no” and set your boundaries so you don’t burn out. Our relationship with others are important, but so is the relationship with yourself. Surround yourself with support systems, and spend time with the people you love and trust. It’s okay to ask for help if you need it. There’s no shame, you are not weak. In fact, it takes real strength to be able to recognize that you need help, and to ask for it. Similar to how we want to be there for our loved ones, they also want us to give them the opportunity to be there for us as well. Don’t shut them out.
   

4. Spiritual - this could mean going to a place of worship, dedicating time for yourself to meditate and self-reflect, journaling (I do this when I am feeling overwhelmed with emotions. By writing it down it helps me process and identify my feelings), spending time in nature by going for walks, or sitting on the beach with your feet in the sand.
   

I am by no means an expert when it comes to mental health. I have learned various coping strategies and tools from amazing health care professionals since I started this journey of recovery. This series is not intended to substitute professional medical advice. I’m hoping that by sharing my stories and what I have learned, I will be able to help others out there who are also on this road of recovery. You are not alone! Remember, be kind to yourself, and take it one day at a time.